Love is Blind?

I have so many young adult clients looking for love.

They are sick of the apps. They are sick of ghosting and bad behavior. They want real commitment and effort. Why is dating so hard? One client found love in the kink community (after a year of floundering). Good for her! One found it through a blind date. But otherwise, the struggle is real. If only I knew why men behave the way they do.

Is it the entitlement, the bullying or the mansplaining? Is it their mothers??? Can't do that. Is it that the finance bros have to be self-absorbed in order to log in so many hours? Or are we just doomed to doom scroll? Perhaps men are afraid because of the frightening, dystopian world we're living in. Perhaps women have too high expectations? One of them told me she has a complete check list that includes even the amount of times per day that he texts her. Yes, we deserve the full package. No, there is no perfect.

On the TV show Love is Blind I first hated the monotony and tedium of the daily interactions. Admittedly I did not watch all the pods of the last season. And I haven't seen the other seasons. However, at first there was something so quotidian about it all. Then IRL - boom - you could instantly see the potential for conflict. IRL you have to adult, you have to deal w. family and you have to know your boundaries! The magic inevitably fades into who left the dishes in the sink. The trick is to let a million things go. No one teaches us that. We have seen our parents attempts to do it. That is all.

On the TV show Love is Blind, a lot of the people were exceedingly attractive. That didn't seem to matter of course. The women took their power and said the big NO! But I caution them - nothing IRL is that great either. I am not speaking from cynicism. I am speaking as a therapist to young women: take your time, freeze your eggs, have high hopes, but, you must COMMUNICATE your needs! One young adult woman said her new partner is doing everything right, but this one thing. I said, why don't you tell him!!?? What is getting in the way?

Oh, it's the overthinking again and again!

Can you breathe through it? Can you write it down? Can you put it aside? You can't think your way through everything. It's more spontaneous, more casual. It's a magical moment. Before the screens we had freedom. We said the wrong things. We waited. We tried again. I believe that trial and error may the best teachers of all. You cannot expect the other person to be a mind-reader. Oh, you're so smart - you thought of every possible outcome!! Doesn't help one bit. Because IRL everything is going faster than your brain.

So just enjoy the ride - and participate. Otherwise, nothing is gained and everything is whirring by. Love is not blind. We know this. Love is a million chemicals flooding your being and surrendering to them come what may. Can you allow for that? TRY!!!!